Health Matters: Grief During the Holiday Season

The holiday season is upon us, a time when family and friends gather to celebrate. This year may be difficult for you and your family as your special loved one is missing. Holidays tend to intensify our loss as we are confronted with memories of past celebrations and how things “used to be.”

For many people (whether or not they are newly bereaved), the holiday pressures can create more stress than pleasure. The frantic hustle and bustle reflect our unrealistic expectations to achieve holiday perfection. Take a moment to reflect on your expectations for the holiday season.

Start your holiday planning by challenging yourself to set realistic expectations. Recognize that as a recently bereaved person, you may not be able to function at your usual level. Consider which aspects of the holidays are truly meaningful and enjoyable for you. Discuss your preferences with your loved ones. Reduce holiday pressures by eliminating or re-assigning those activities that are not as important to you. Consider family traditions. The predictability of tradition may offer a comforting structure to your holiday routine.

This may be the time to start new holiday traditions while you hang on to those that help to alleviate some of the pain. Above all, remember that your situation is unique. What worked for someone else may not feel right for you. Trust yourself.

Here are a few suggestions for ways to adapt to this year’s winter holiday season. Please pick and choose what may work best for you. 

1. Clarify priorities and reduce stress: Give yourself permission to not do things. Respect your mind and body when fatigued. Maybe it’s time to slow down? What’s important this year? What isn’t? Well-intentioned friends and family may think they’re helping by keeping you busy, but being too busy may postpone some of the thoughts and feelings necessary for grief.
2. Overextending or overcommitting: Resist overextending or overcommitting. Be realistic about your energy. When attending events, plan an exit. You may need to drive your own car so you’re not stuck somewhere longer than you'd like. Consider your gift spending limits; don’t feel obliged to give extravagant gifts this year. Explore new, simple ways to shop and decorate, and scale back on attending functions and outings if it feels like too much.
3. Making new traditions: Set a place at the table for your loved one, decorate a part of the tree with memories of them, hang a stocking or wreath where photos or other things could be attached. Light candles in their honor. Do activities in their honor, like watching a favorite movie, visiting a favorite place, or going to a patch of woods. Travel somewhere new, go out to eat; who says you have to cook?
4. Joy of helping others: How about donating old clothes to a shelter? Or, making cookies for a friend or someone who’s been supportive of you. Write a note to an old friend. Volunteer at the foodbank or another place in the community.
5. Talking about your grief: Family members and friends may be waiting for your cue to bring up your loved one who’s died. Let others know you’re ready by sharing memories and stories. We owe it to ourselves this holiday season to find those who don’t need us to put on a happy face and instead to encourage and accept us just as we are.
6. Expressing your faith: Our grief may have renewed or changed our long-held beliefs. Especially for the newly bereaved, it’s important that we have others we can talk to and feel supported by when discussing spiritual matters. You may feel a connection when attending a special holiday service or a new place of worship.

As you navigate through this holiday season, be gentle with yourself. Grief has no timeline, and there is no “right” way to navigate the holidays after loss. Allow space for both sorrow and moments of comfort, remembering that love does not end with death.