Bereavement literally means to be torn apart. Grief is what happens inside when someone dies and mourning is the outward process of the loss.
Are there stages of grief?
There are no stages of grief unfortunately, Elizabeth Kubler Ross studied the dying person, and her research lent itself to the grieving process. There have been several professionals who have studied grief specifically, David Kessler who worked with Elizabeth and the statistical evidence lends itself to no stages, however, there are marked phases of the grief process. There is no time limit or one phase lending itself to the next. Grief is messy and cyclical.
Are there different types of grief?
There are 32 flavors of grief. Grief is as individual and unique as the relationship, reverence of death, trauma influence, and attachment wounds. Some of the griefs experienced are delayed grief, absent grief, prolonged grief (12 mos. or more to diagnose, sometimes the second year is harder than the first), complicated grief, disenfranchised grief, absent grief, anxious grief, etc.
What happens in our brains when we experience grief?
The brain succumbs to a temporary neurological impairment.
Several things happen to the brain at time of loss:
- Prefrontal Cortex slows down, affecting thinking and decision making, focus, planning, organization, and impulse control. Acute grief can cause brain fog, forgetfulness, trouble making decisions, and not feeling like yourself.
- Amygdala (fear and threat system) lights up, and can increase feelings of anxiety, irritability, emotional outbursts, hypervigilance, and feeling on edge.
- Stress hormones increase (cortisol), affecting memory, sleep, appetite, and energy levels.
- Brain chemistry dysregulates and disrupts dopamine and serotonin (regulation chemicals), affecting motivation, pleasure, focus, numb, disconnected, depressed, uninterested in activities once enjoyed.
- Attachment circuits discerning true from false (brain adjusting) can affect yearning, intrusive thoughts, dreams/memories, and hearing/seeing the person.
Does grief have symptoms?
Yes, grief is somatic.
What’s available to me to help me with grief?
There are unlimited resources. The St. Peter’s Health Bereavement Program is free for hospice patients and the community. We are the only not-for-profit hospice in Helena and give back to the community by supporting community members through grief. There are also churches, grief camps, Grief Share, and Tamarack (in Missoula) for kids. Contact us for more information: gefairbrother@sphealth.org or kjbennett@sphealth.org.
Seek help if you are experiencing the following:
- Drawn out inability to function
- Panic attacks
- Physical symptoms
- Persistent depression (depression and grief are different- treating grief like depression with medications does not stop the attention grief demands)
- Suicidal thoughts
How can I help someone I know who is grieving?
Listen to their grief story over and over without the need to fix, change, or make it better.