There is evidence that suicide bereavement is a very difficult type of mourning process (Tal Young et al., 2012). Survivors face unique internal and social challenges. The painful feelings of loss, sadness, and loneliness experienced after any death of a loved one are magnified by feelings of guilt, confusion, rejection, abandonment, shame, anger and suicidality.

At such a devastating time, you may also have to deal with police questions, media intrusion and the stigma that suicide can carry. Suicide may conflict with one’s culture or religious views, some friends and family may feel too uncomfortable to reach out, while others may feel less sympathy for a death that was “self-inflicted.” Denied usual sources of comfort, a suicide survivor can be left feeling isolated and alone in their grief. While your life will forever be changed by the loss of a loved one to suicide there are healthy ways to cope with the pain.

Healthy ways to cope with the pain

Keep a journal. It may also help to write a letter to your loved one, saying the things you never got to say to them.

Remember your loved one’s life was about more than their suicide. Try to remember and celebrate the important, joyous aspects of their life and of your relationship together.

Expect ups and downs and make plans for those extra difficult days. Some days your grief may seem more manageable than others. Then a painful reminder such as a birthday, holiday, or a favorite song playing on the radio will cause the waves of pain and sadness to return—even years after your loved one’s suicide. What are some things you can plan to do when those waves hit?

Take care of yourself. The stress and trauma you’re experiencing right now can take a serious toll on your mental and physical health. Try to eat healthy food, exercise regularly, get enough sleep and spend time outdoors. While it’s tempting to turn to drugs and alcohol to help numb your grief, self-medicating won’t ease the pain and will only create more problems in the long-term.

Be patient. Don’t try to rush the healing process. Other people may move on or want to stop talking about your loss long before you do.

Seek out supportive friends and family. Confide in people you trust to be understanding, who are willing to listen when you want to talk, and won’t judge or tell you how you should be feeling.

Join a bereavement support group, talk to a grief counselor, or seek out an agency/hospital for resources.

Create a memorial or tribute to your loved one. You could create a memorial site online, write a blog, make a scrapbook of your loved one’s life, start a campaign for suicide awareness, or donate to a charity in their name, for example. Sometimes using our loss to help others can help ourselves. Even simply lighting a candle or visiting a special place to mark important dates can help to promote healing.

Pursue activities that bring meaning to your life. Whether it’s a favorite hobby, interest, or sport, there’s comfort in resuming activities that are important to you. Acquiring new skills or staying physically active can also help to ease stress at this disturbing time.

Move beyond the question “Why?” When you lose someone to suicide, this question can run over and over in your mind more than any other. There tend to be many different contributing factors, and rarely any neat, simplistic explanations.

Understand your anger: Your anger may be directed at others. Alternately, your anger may be turned inwards and you blame yourself for your loved one’s suicide. Understand that anyone can miss the warning signs, including mental health professionals. People who are suicidal don’t always appear desolate or hopeless. In fact, many display a calmness once they’ve settled on a plan to end their life. We can never truly know what’s going on in someone else’s head.

Explaining suicide to children

It’s never easy to explain suicide to a child or teen, but lying or trying to shield them from the truth can often cause more hurt, fear, and anxiety in the long-run.

  • Try to be as honest as you can while tailoring your explanation to an age-appropriate level. For young children, for example, you could explain that their loved one had an illness that made them very sad and made life very hard.
  • Point out that not everyone who feels sad or depressed dies. If they ever feel that way, they can reach out to you, a crisis line, or other family and friends for help.
  • Make it clear that the child or teen in no way caused or contributed to the person’s death.

Do’s and Don’ts of Supporting Someone Grieving Death by Suicide

  • Do: Reach out. Accept that you may feel awkward or uncomfortable talking about suicide. You can even admit that you don’t know what to say or do. Invite the person to talk about the loved one they’ve lost or to share memories. The important thing is to be there, whether the person needs a shoulder to cry on, a listening ear or just someone to be close to.
  • Do: Understand that they may have many strong and conflicting emotions at this time. There’s no right or wrong way to feel or behave after a loss to suicide—so allow the person to express their pain and loss without judgement.
  • Do: Offer to help with practical tasks, such as grocery shopping, preparing meals, notifying others of the death, or helping with funeral arrangements, for example.
  • Do: When talking about the person’s death, use terms such as “died by suicide,” “took their life,” “chose to end their life,” or “completed suicide.”
  • Don’t: Use the term “committed suicide”. This implies that suicide is a criminal act and will only reinforce the stigma and make the grieving person feel more isolated.
  • Don’t: Make judgements about the person who died or label them as selfish, weak, or crazy, for example. Suicide is the result of extreme emotional distress, not a character defect.
  • Don’t: Demand an explanation or speculate on the reasons why the person took their own life. Your role is to be supportive. Listen, and allow them to direct the conversation.
  • Don’t: Issue platitudes such as “they’re at peace now” or “they’re in a better place.” Such hollow reassurances rarely provide comfort and can even alienate the grieving person, making them feel more alone.
  • Don’t: Lose patience. Someone grieving a suicide may need to talk about their loss over and over again without fear of interruption or judgement. Talking over the same points can help them come to terms with what happened.

Are you, or someone you care about in crisis or experiencing suicidal thoughts? Call or text 988. You can also visit https://988lifeline.org to chat with a professional and find other supportive resources.

References

Tal Young I, Iglewicz A, Glorioso D, Lanouette N, Seay K, Ilapakurti M, Zisook S. Suicide bereavement and complicated grief. Dialogues Clin Neurosci. 2012 Jun;14(2):177-86. doi: 10.31887/DCNS.2012.14.2/iyoung. PMID: 22754290; PMCID: PMC3384446.